I don't often blog when I'm depressed because I feel as if it makes mountains out of mole hills and I usually regret everything I say.  But I feel as if my depression has gone on a really long time this time around, and there are some things I need to get off my chest.  I'm not really looking for advice, and I'm definitely not looking for pity, this is mostly just for myself.

Long story short, I hate myself.  I feel as if I have absolutely no control over my own life, and a lot of this has to do with my self esteem and my depression.  I suppose I don't know if not knowing what I want to be when I grow up is self esteem related, or if I just don't know, but I hate myself for not knowing.  Don't get me wrong, I actually like my job, but I get paid shit and I feel like I'm less of a person because of my job.  I'm ashamed to tell people what I do.  I avoid people from high school when I see them because I don't want to tell anyone.  I will probably never go to a reunion so long as I'm working there.  I suppose maybe my feelings toward my job are all in my head, but I've been told a thousand times over that I can do better.  The tone in someone's voice when they say "Ohh..." upon hearing where I work is not lost on me. 

I'd love to do better.  I'd love to be able to tell people I have a cool job, but I don't know what I'd do.  Never in my life have I felt a calling for something.  I've had many inklings, but my brain is entirely broken, and over the last 25 years I've shot them all down one by one.  I have reasons for not doing any of them, though I'm sure they were all bad reasons by most people's standards.  Self esteem.

So because of this... Because I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, because I can come up with an excuse for why anything won't work...  I feel like I'm stuck where I am.  I feel like I'm never going to go anywhere.  I'll be stuck in my parents' house forever.  Or at least the next seven years until I'm not paying loans anymore.  The Hippy and I were looking at houses for awhile, but the economy has him skittish.  He refuses to rent, and I really don't feel like I can afford an apartment on my own.  So here I am.  Eating brown rice and gravy because I'm too lazy to go grocery shopping these days. 

I probably shouldn't worry about the future.  We can't see what will come.  I wish I could just stop caring about the present, though.  I am where I am, so I should probably just get over it.

And there you have it.